there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
Randomize