In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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