Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
