i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
