cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
Randomize
