I only have two rules. But i've fotgotten those rules and replaced them w 2 other rules
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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