Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
