Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
