New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Randomize
