he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
