My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
