What ever happened to making out with a few boob grabs here and there?
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
I'm getting married
To pizza
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
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