Already got asked if we're dating
i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
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