You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
Randomize
