please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Randomize
