Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
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