I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
Randomize
