first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
yeah it was kind of like, i'm 27 and still live in a frat house.. you honestly expect me to have "moral fiber" and a "conscience"
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
Randomize
