Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
Its a Guy he gets weed for. I'm kinda confused as to why there are going to even be tuxedos involved at all.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
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