I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
Randomize
