My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
You would get kicked out of the study lounge for being drunk the monday of finals week
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
I just found a bag of teeth...
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
Randomize
