Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
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