how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
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