Dude that chick in the corner just threw up
Hot
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
Randomize
