So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
Randomize
