There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
