I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
Randomize
