I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
Randomize
