I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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