Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
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