Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
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