My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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