I accidentally had phone sex last night
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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