why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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