saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
Spotted: Pepto Bismol pink Scion with Ed Hardy sticker on front window, air freshener, and seat covers. Total Douchette Mobile.
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
Randomize
