The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
Part in the USA is on your top 25 most played on iTunes. you have NO RIGHT to judge me.
Agreed. Everyone should experience a blackout before 3pm in their lifetime.
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
Randomize
