We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
This is a mass text. Does anyone know what the hell the asian woman at the end of Napoleon Dynamite is doing in the movie
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Randomize
