I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
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