New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
does it still count as break up sex if it's 4 months later? sorry i'm just looking for an excuse to fuck him.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Randomize
