Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
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