Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
