my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
Adderal just makes me love life. I want to do so much. I just can't stop thinking about all the wonderful opportunities we have and how lucky we are and I want to make a difference in the world. I just have to reign in my brain and convince it that changing the world starts with a college degree, which depends on studying for these finals.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
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