Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
Randomize
