Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
Who has the safety vest from this past weekend Additionally, who has the dancemaster glove?
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Randomize
