Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
should my penis look like a turkey
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
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