dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
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