You surviving the open bar?
Super asto ex polenta omaha botad
My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
Randomize
