Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
On a scale of one to 10 how Risky is it to sleep with a married man (all morals set aside)
Randomize
