I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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