i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
Randomize
