Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
Randomize
