paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
No more Irish car bombs ever.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
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