sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
Min and u sung xhionubjs. Cause that's what u kiij like a xhionunk
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
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