It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
