Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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