hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
she did the YMCA with her lgs... i think she forgot she wasnt wearing any underwear
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
