I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
Randomize
