My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
My breasts were aching with rage.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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