shes hot in the i'd deny it if anyone asked kinda way
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
Randomize
